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[Saturday. 14th, Nov 2009. 8:07am.] |
I appreciate everyone's thoughts about what's going on between Barry and myself. I know that you have my best interest at heart. That being said, I've decided not to talk about him or our relationship (such as it is) in LJ anymore. I know everyone is tired of hearing my sob story, and is equally tired of telling me to move on. ^_^
I still care for him and love him. Emotions are not a faucet that you can just turn off.
Yes, he did horrible things. He lied and he broke my heart. However I can see why he lied, and that doing what he did was actually a good thing. I don't know who I would have married if he had walked down the aisle with me. In the long run I understand and accept his actions.
Does this mean I completely forgive him and would take him back at the drop of a hat? NO. There are a lot of things we both need to get through. I have emotional and physical issues that I need to fix. He needs to work on his own emotions and come to an understanding with himself and the person he's become.
I won't say that I will never take him back, just as I won't say he's the only man for me.
Things change and people change. Perhaps our time has passed, or perhaps this is just something that will make us stronger. Everyone lies at some point in their lives to the people they love. What truly marks a person is how they handle their deceit and what they do to atone for their actions.
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| State of the Geek |
[Friday. 13th, Nov 2009. 6:56pm.] |
It's been a busy couple of weeks. Two weeks ago I had to put my cat down, then I had to prepare for some high-visibility work (I could have broken Internet access for my company), then I had to move, I had to do the maintenance and stay up all night all week.
Despite the loss of my little black cat, the result was victory. Although I've been busy, I learned a lot at work, and it was actually pretty fun. I've been frustrated with my job in general for a while, but these past couple of weeks have made me much happier with my work.
The move and everything involved with it, including the preliminary unpacking, has gone very smoothly - mostly due to the tireless, patient, and kind assistance of some rockin' chicks. I did get a manly workout carrying stuff, but the new place has a hot tub, which cut way down on recovery time. The new place is coming together and Gaea is recovering pretty well.
This weekend, I have a two-day shooting class starting at 8 am on Saturday and Sunday. It should be awesome, but this means that fun is secured for yet another weekend.
Starting next week, the fun lamp will be lit. Dancing and socializing will be on the agenda.
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| The Heart of It. |
[Friday. 13th, Nov 2009. 9:31pm.] |
I feel like a mess. I was originally going to type, "I am a mess". Yet if I truly believe that what I am is a mess, I certainly am a mess... and I am somehow obligated to stay that way because it would be what I expect of myself. A feeling can change pretty easily. A state of being has a little more concrete in it.
The reason I feel like a mess is because I'm caught up in a whirlwind of inconsistency. Or applying what I said in the previous paragraph, I feel like I am caught up in a whirlwind of inconsistency. Actually, maybe dramatic descriptors such as "whirlwind of inconsistency" are detrimental to my condition. Perhaps there are more optimal terms to use, as to not feed and sustain the inner-dramas that play out within me. From here on out, I am going to attempt to eliminate the fluff and get straight to the heart of the matter. I'll consciously attempt to avoid dramatizations, exaggerations.
Let's take all the thought right out of it. Let's remove the inner dialogue. Let's just look at my actions.
Immediately after waking up this morning, I wrote my dreams down into a sketch diary. Then I checked e-mail and had breakfast. I wrote the word "Love" on my arm. Then I went for a jog. Came back, took a shower. Spent some time scrubbing down the bathroom. Played with the cats. Had lunch. Kept eating when lunch was done. Ate probably 4-5 meals worth of food. Canceled social plans and ditched responsibilities for the rest of the day, went back to bed. Just woke up.
This has been somewhat typical for me lately. I change on a dime. The same thing happened the day before yesterday, except that I actually made it through just about the entire day. I got home after quite an eventful day, feeling quite satisfied with my self-control. But before I went to bed, I grabbed a snack. That snack turned into a meal, and that meal turned into a buffet. Sometimes I'll go a couple days without this happening. It starts to feel like the habit is reversing, but alas...
The weirdest thing for me is, I feel like I am reaching a new kind of high and a new kind of low simultaneously. My exercise is as consistent as it has ever been, and I am finding myself able to push myself further than ever before when it comes to jogging/running. This would be immensely beneficial to me physically if I were not flipping over to the other side of the coin and gorging myself on a regular basis. The exercise and gluttony basically cancel each other out for the most part, but I can't imagine that my body appreciates this the consistency of this... inconsistency.
I aspire to be reliable and respectful not only to myself and the best interest of my health, but also to others and their expectations of me. Like I said, after the eating thing today, I holed myself up. Canceled my plans. Retreated to slumber. Blinked out of existence. Today could have been a productive day, but instead I slept it away and probably gained like two pounds. I cancel plans with people semi-regularly because of situations just like what happened today.
So yes, I am tired of this. And yes, I feel like a mess. I don't understand why I do this to myself.
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| >:{ |
[Friday. 13th, Nov 2009. 5:30pm.] |
posting cause no one else is!!
YEAH
REFRESH DOESN'T WORK
BAD LJ! BAD!
*shakes finger*
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| One Card Draw |
[Friday. 13th, Nov 2009. 1:31pm.] |
I took ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) miintikwa up on her one card draw today and here's what I got.
My question: I'm wondering if the man I love will ever love me again?
My Card: Six of Swords-- there is a safe time coming, but you must navigate through stormy waters to get there. Keep your eyes on the prize, and don't look back. The end is worth it, and your progress is there. You're far from the shore, so don't forget how far you've come.
Even if it doesn't refer to us getting back together, it's still very positive. He could be the prize, or he could be the shore. Either way I'm moving in the right direction.
Pleasepleaseplease let him be the prize!
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| Not camera related! |
[Friday. 13th, Nov 2009. 10:00am.] |
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So, how are all of you doing?
I’m doing pretty damned swell. Busy, stressing plenty at work, but all in all I am swell. 
What are YOU up to lately? Talk to me people! What’s up?
(I had to post SOMETHING that wasn’t photo or camera related!)
This was originally posted to Say, What Chu Looking At?, you may comment here or there.
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| Another twitter-esque post |
[Friday. 13th, Nov 2009. 9:59am.] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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Jan Wayne vs. RainDropz! - Numb (Handz Up Edit) (3:30) |
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Cirque du Soleil tickets, why do you have to be almost $200 even for the nosebleed section? You know I love you, why you gotta hurt me like this? :(
More as the Chronoplast turns.
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| Velvet |
[Thursday. 12th, Nov 2009. 11:05pm.] |
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The thing I love about walking at night? The shadows and shapes grow limbs and teeth and become ideas. They ensnare my ankles in penumbral bramble and briar, etching words upon my legs, my arms, my hands, my face. Branding me with the ink in my veins, tangling in my hair; I am their parchment marionette until I tell their myths and histories. And it's in this alchemical transformation-- in the dark spaces between-- that my stories come to life.
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| Photopost: Soft Focus |
[Friday. 13th, Nov 2009. 12:23am.] |
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Soft Focus
Originally uploaded by Doc Stampede
This actually *was* shot with the new 85mm f/1.8 lens. I really like how the (accidental) focus of this image is the hair, and how the hair floats around her face. The hair in the background!
The shallow DoF from this lens, I am rapidly learning how easy it is to grow addicted to it.. Must drive self to use for right times… But so fun to play with… XD
This was originally posted to Say, What Chu Looking At?, you may comment here or there.
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| TARP |
[Thursday. 12th, Nov 2009. 10:57pm.] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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Ace of Cakes on TV. Now I really want cake... |
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Spanked Chaos in Dissidia finally. Apparently I'd leveled up too much... I expected something harder. :T
My one grievance: WHY DOES THE WARRIOR OF LIGHT HAVE TO BE SO FINE?? fffffff-- his awesomeness taunts me.
And now apparently I've got a whole other game worth of extra content to get working on unlocking. Squeenix, what is it with you and 'reports'? gaaaahhh...
More as the Chronoplast turns.
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bored