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13 January 2018 @ 10:31 am
I was just re-reading a draft of an e-mail I never sent (doing a little spring-cleaning everywhere), and these few paragraphs are really worth saving:

Most men don't want to be my friend.  Men never want me to just be their friend.  So many men seem to see me as a blank slate that they can project whatever they're most wishing for at the moment, whether it's a Good Time Sally or an artistic muse or a little sister or a Den Mother or, God help me, the mother of their future men's right activist children.  They don't want me.  They don't even care who I am.  They want whatever woman they've made up in their head, and they're just holding auditions until they find a close enough approximation.  (To be fair a lot of women do that too--most who are looking for "Prince Charming", in fact.  But I digress.)  A few people have said I'm a good cosplayer, despite the fact that I just wear the costumes rather than making them, because I'm a chameleon.  I somehow manage to look like whoever I'm dressing up as.  Maybe it's because I don't have a face of my own, I don't know.  But at least when I'm cosplaying I'm doing it on purpose.

I'm tired of fending off other people's expectations.  I really am.  I'm tired of people seeming to want my friendship, and then getting offended when it turns out that they really wanted more, expected more, felt they DESERVED more.  They felt that they earned my love and adoration by being "nice", and I have somehow cheated them by not granting it--as if people had any control over who they fell in love with!  You can suppress love, I suppose, if you know it's no good for you, but you sure as hell can't manufacture it.

So...I'm out.  I quit.  I'm so tired of second-guessing every guy's motivations.  I'm so tired of losing people I thought were friends.  I'm so tired of hurting actual nice guys, because some of them are genuinely nice, not all of them--not even most of them--are just looking to "get their dick wet", they're looking for their Disney Princess or their forever home, and that's fine, but I'm just not looking. I had a lot of fun during my Year of Yes and going out and doing things.  But it's just...it wasn't worth it.  I'm tired.  And then you add *that* to the constant, Constant, CONSTANT political bickering, getting more and more emotional and less and less rational every goddamn day and...forget it.  I go on strike.  I cannot stop the motor of this world, I'm not John Galt and I'm not important enough that anyone will even notice I'm gone, let alone miss me enough for it to make an impact, but I can save my time and energy for *me*.  I haven't gotten every achievement in The Sims 3 yet.  That'll probably keep me busy for a good long time.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Okay NOW I'm sore. I honestly don't know how much of it is from the exercise, and how much of it is from the EXTREME! COLD!

It was a tough day overall: the commute to work was tough. None of the bosses were in (the owner because he came down with a bad cold, the president because he lives out on Long Island and probably got hit the hardest, and my manager because she had scheduled ahead of time to work from home because she had a training call at midnight with *her* manager--the joys of doing business in and with China.) Without bothering to count (I'm too tired) I'd have to say at least half of the office didn't come in. One whole department didn't come in, the head of another department told her team to go home at 2, the lone employees from accounting and quality that made it in went home right before and right after, and by 3 PM it was just me and one other employee that didn't want to work from home because his laptop was too slow. But even he left by 3:30, and I *still* had to stay there--because my manager couldn't get either the owner's or the president's permission to close the office. I was...not pleased about that, but once I was alone in the office I did what I longed threatened to do, and watched an episode of Sailor Moon Crystal on the giant projection screen they have in the conference room, just because I could. I finally got permission to leave at 4, and it took me over an hour and 40 minutes to get home. The train actually got stuck at Myrtle-Wyckoff because the doors froze open.

I didn't spend any money today; and I was tempted to get turkey, I was afraid I wasn't going to get my cheat food today and really wanted some real dinner. But the trek from the train station to my house was incredibly difficult, and, I really don't want to spend money. Plus, having turkey in the house means multiple cheat days instead of just one.

I'm afraid my other resolutions didn't do so well. Well, I knew today was a cheat day, and I think I actually ate less than I did last week, I think my appetite is finally starting to diminish again after expanding with all of that holiday eating. But I didn't clean, because Dad kept making noises about wanting to shovel again outside, and then wasn't ready to until 8 PM. And I didn't work out, because between my horrendous commute home (I was frozen and in pain for *hours* after I finally got inside) and shoveling snow, I'm just shot. I feel awful breaking my resolution on the third day, but I just don't have it in me. (And technically shoveling snow *is* exercise. But if I don't get that little stamp on the WiiFit calendar, it doesn't count to me.)

I don't even think I have the physical capacity to shave tonight. I think I'm just going to soak in hot water until I feel halfway human, and then go to bed.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
03 January 2018 @ 09:48 pm
I spent money today, but it was--mostly--justified purchases. Diet Coke, which is a necessity, shaving gel, which...I mean, I don't know how to shave without it, and I'm not at the level where shaving is optional (::shudder::), and birthday cards. I may get to the point where birthday cards are too much of a luxury, but not yet.

Dieting went super well today--I got hungry around 4 o'clock, but managed to hang on until I got home to dinner. It helps that most of the holiday treats are out of the office, so there's nothing to tempt me. I feel a little empty again now, but 1) I'm about to go to bed, 2) that's to be expected (and will fade the longer I stick to this) and 3) tomorrow's a cheat day anyway.

I got on track with my cleaning, too. I love dusting my china hutch; I'm not terribly domestic, but I'm exceedingly nostalgic, and it belonged to my great-grandmother. I dusted the bureau in my bedroom, too. I even added jojoba oil to my conditioner for the next time I wash my hair. AND I started my (and Dad's) car(s), because it's so cold--I didn't think mine would start, because I haven't driven it since Christmas Day and it's been *so* freezing the past few days, but it started with only the slightest of protests. (Mental note: I really need to get that passenger side mirror fixed soonest. But it's SO COLD!)

And today was boxing day in WiiFit, which is my favorite of the exercises. I'm not as sore as I thought I would be, considering yesterday was Day One and I did the most strenuous exercises. Though I did feel stiffer when I did my stretches afterwards; I didn't have that weird hip thing happen (thank goodness) but it was definitely more of a struggle to reach. I still can't touch my forehead to my knee, which is frustrating.

But I even did my little post-workout beauty regimen, which is such a little pick-me-up. I'm out of my pore refining cream, but I have an almost unused Macy's gift certificate that Grandpa gave me, not even for my last birthday but the one before that, so I can use that without it counting against my "no spending" resolution. I just have to find time and get up the gumption to go get it--it's SO COLD!

Still a third icon I could remake. The princess dress charmedseed made me is so gorgeous, but when my weight fluctuates up, let's just say my cups runneth over. But I've gotten some really fantastic pictures in it, particularly 1) the first event I wore it for, NDK, and 2) when I dyed my hair black and got pictures with my crows.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: pleasedpleased
Current Music: none - I miss WinAmp, it was way easier to use
02 January 2018 @ 10:09 pm
The first half of today was a frustrating, thankfully the second was not.

Back in April of last year I received an actual, physical letter from the IRS requiring me to call their office to make an appointment to appear in person to prove my identity, because they had identified suspicious activity. That was it; that was all they said. So I had to go down to their office downtown to prove I was me, and found out that someone had tried to file as me, knowing not only my social security number (bad, but understandable), but my exact wage down to the penny (impossible; *I* don't know that until I see my W-2.) The IRS only caught it because the faux-me had claimed a *lot* more deductions than I ever have, and was trying to get a much larger tax refund than what I was legitimately entitled to. So I got that straightened out, and the agent who helped me said she would process my legitimate return, but that it would take a while (again, understandable), and that because of the potential identify theft, they could not deposit my return digitally (something the thief had also tried), but would mail me a check, which would take even longer. Call it 180 days, give or take--and with the post office, you always err on the side of give.

So, here it is officially 2018 and I never received my tax return. It wasn't huge, but this was the first year since Marvel and I separated that I didn't owe the government, and with one credit card maxed out and with sometimes needing to move money between bank accounts just to pay my bills, I sure could use it. I had tried to check the status of my return online, and couldn't, because they ask you if you filed by mail or electronically, and technically it was neither? and there isn't any way to mark "other." So I finally called today.

I was on the phone for just over two and a half hours--I know, because I called from work, and my office phone has a call timer on it. In my defense I truly didn't believe it would take anywhere near that long. Because there's absolutely no record of my valid tax return. Oh, they found the fraudulent one, no problem. And, thankfully, they found the record that that had been cleared up, and I was the real Slim Shady, so no problems there either. But, by the time I spoke to my third agent (after being passed back and forth between two departments), they best they could come up with was that the initial woman I spoke to had just never gotten around to processing my tax return. No, no way to speak with her and ask her about it. And no way to look up all the information they needed, either--apparently with the new tax laws going into effect more than half of their system is down for updating. So all I can do is re-file last year's tax return. And enclose a note, please asking them to believe this is me, and not put me through all of this rigmarole again.

I have used up all of my "bureaucratic spoons" for the day; I'll have to tackle this again tomorrow.

Dieting was so-so today; I didn't have a diet dinner, but that's because I had the homemade chicken soup and some sort of dumplings the fish guy gave me. (I should probably explain who he is--but not today.) I figure, one, how many calories can chicken soup have (don't answer that), and two, I'm saving money, so it's kind of a wash.

However, I more than made up for it by starting my exercise regime again tonight. I measured 20.51, 3 lbs. away from my goal BMI. January of last year I was 22.55, and in January of 2016 I was 22.92. I'm still not in the shape I was in in 2012, but I'm in the best shape I've been since 2013 and on. (Or so says WiiFit.) I couldn't do one of my (non-WiiFit) flexibility exercises on the right side of my body, which is odd--I've never had a problem before. But we'll see if a few days of stretching won't cure it. Of course, that's the *real* challenge. Not Day One of exercising, but Day Two--when your body is at its most sore. I did get a little nauseous towards the end, but part of that might have been due to the fact that I ate a little more than I usually do while dieting, and part of it is that, due to the order in which I do the exercises, I re-started with the hardest exercises for me to do (the Single Arm Stand, and all the strength training exercises in that row.) The most important thing (to me) is that I felt strong; I haven't worked out in 60 days (again, so says WiiFit), and that was only once, after I felt I had been out of the hospital long enough and wanted to test my endurance. I won't say I didn't feel out of shape, but I felt like my muscles were strong enough to do everything, and I didn't get tired. (Oh, except for my left wrist. It's been hurting for a few days now, but tonight at one point during the Arm and Leg Lift it felt like it wasn't going to support my weight, and hurt so much I yelped. But maybe exercise will help that, too.)

I even got a nice long shower in. I'm up markedly later than my usual Early Ass O'Clock bedtime, but considering I stayed up past midnight three nights in a row over the holiday weekend, I'm not as tired as I might be otherwise. Still, I don't know how other people do it--have dinner, clean the house, exercise, shower, and still have time for hobbies and their favorite T.V. shows. Granted they go to bed later than I do, but still.

I didn't do either of the chore lists again today, but I did wash a holiday's weekend worth of dishes, including my water pitcher, and switched out the bag of laundry. So not a total loss.

(And hey, look--another icon I could potentially redo, now that I have a brand new Eternal Sailor Mars uniform.)
Current Location: home
Current Mood: bemused
Current Music: Only Love - The Scarlet Pimpernel
01 January 2018 @ 09:58 pm
I'm going to make an effort to journal again, at least a little bit. Part of it is not being able to be as eloquent as I'd like on Facebook...I'm not entirely sure why; certainly it's not an enforced character limit. Maybe it's because it's more public, although my LiveJournal was always pretty open. But there is an emotional difference between having 100 or so friends who are also bearing their souls, versus having 600+ friends ranging from your coworkers to that couple you sat next to at a social club once. Also, I feel like no one wants to hear from me on Facebook. They want me to post, don't get me wrong, but they don't want to read. Short sentences and pictures are encouraged there.

(Warring with this is my dislike of the company that bought LiveJournal, and how it's been run since. But I'm a very small, insignificant person; I can't imagine enemy spies are going to find anything out from *me* that's going to lead to the downfall of the free world.)

That being said, I really don't have much to say. I'd like to keep track on how I'm doing on my resolutions--I'd like to lose (more) weight, I'd like to pay off my credit card(s), I'd like to have a clean house. I did badly, well, and so-so on all three today: I ate takeout with Dad, but in my defense it's really hard to stick to my guns when I'm not on my schedule, so I'm not going to beat myself up too badly about that. I didn't work out, but I did do my makeup and hair and take some pictures for a concept I had in my head--if I can't shoot with people (and I'm not going to be able to much--somehow hanging out, even just to do a photoshoot, always seems to end up costing me money one way or the other), I'll take and edit my own damn photos, so I'll accept creativity as an acceptable trade. I didn't spend any money today, so, huzzah! And while I didn't tackle whatever chore is set for the 1st (years ago I found two great lists of chores to tackle, one per kitchen and one per rest of the house, to help keep me on track/from getting overwhelmed), I *did* set up my calendar for the rest of the year, clear out all paperwork over 7 years old and filed all the paperwork that came in in 2017, and cleared off my catch-all chest of drawers by the bathroom. I used the box Boo gave me for Christmas to organize all of my convention pamphlets, which cleared out the bottom drawer, and I had Dad help me mount my old corkboard (which has a bonus of adding even more Nintendo Nerdiness to my "Woman Cave", as The Mask calls it), and God bless Pinterest because I found on there a really effective way to organize my sunglasses by using tacks and lengths of ribbons on it.

I could have done more; I could always do more. But I also didn't give up and play The Sims for 9 hours (or at all), so I'm counting it as my first win of the year.

I should try to recreate my default icon. I like this one, but it's over 15 years old at this point. (Is that all?)
Current Location: home
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Happy Nation - Ace of Bass
28 March 2014 @ 01:38 pm
It is only upon landing in Denver and boarding the Supershuttle that I randomly realize I wore my sneakers and thus forgot my second pair of black boots at home. Ah, well. You never remember everything.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

12 January 2013 @ 11:40 am
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Current Location: Mom's house
Current Mood: solemn
08 December 2012 @ 09:46 am
I updated Crimson Sky Creations today with a new Odd Photo of the Month.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
A quote from The Stand:

"One of {Nadine}'s college profs had been fond of saying that the thought process can never be complete without articulation."

I've really been feeling very
depressed lately

to the point where
all of my thoughts
are coming out
like avant-garde poetry written during the harlem renaissance.

And I feel my creativity
in my brain.

I think to myself
Do I have nothing worth saying?
Or does nothing seem worthwhile because I haven't shared it?

Rearden ('member him?) once said I was the most introverted extrovert he knew.
Positional grammar is important.
I'm considered an extrovert, because my ideas aren't complete until they're communicated.
I guess.
And I'm introverted
Because when I'm unhappy
I withdraw.

Like this.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
16 September 2012 @ 11:41 am
A little late due to computer problems, but Princess Mars - Version 2's borders have been fixed, again, I hope, who knows (it looks fine on my computer at home, and then never seems to work on my computer at work), and there's a new picture on it, I fixed a typo on Tifa Lockhart, I fixed the broken links on the Final Fantasy VII, VIII, X-2 & XIII photoshoot page, there's new fanart on Sailor Mars - S Season, there are new pictures on EGL Christmas Dress, and I added info to Dorothy Gale. My Otakon con report is coming along slowly; I've been insanely busy lately, and we took a LOT of pictures.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied